Mariah Carey’s “Merry Christmas”

I don’t often tune in to the 24-hour Christmas stations, but when I do it is usually pretty bearable, that is until a song off of Mariah Carey’s 5X platinum album “Merry Christmas” comes on. Carey and her producers must have had a meeting where they decided, “Lets take some old Christmas songs and let Carey work her magic.” Unfortunately, Carey has no magic. All of the songs feel incredibly sluggish, unnecessary and overly embellished. The word diva comes to mind. They didn’t just stick to ruining other people’s work, they added some of their original songs like the unbelievably catchy, and utterly painful, “All I Want for Christmas is You.” To make things even worse Carey has plans to turn the 15-year-old album into a movie musical.

Elf Bowling

I sometimes wonder what people are thinking when they come up with certain ideas, like the 1999 Internet flash game “Elf Bowling” for example. I just imagine a couple of young programmers sitting around trying to think of a holiday-themed hit that’ll really make a name for them online. Then all of sudden it hits one of them. Eureka! Lets make a bowling game, but instead of bowling pins, you try and knock down little Christmas elves. A few weeks later the game is done, and it’s posted online. The worst part about this story? The people of the world loved it, and people still love it. The flash game spawned a slew of sequels, Nintendo DS and Gameboy Advance versions and even a straight-to-DVD movie. You laugh now, but I guarantee that somebody is going to be rushing to print a final research paper in a computer lab full of people, and one of them will be enjoying the wonders of Elf Bowling.

“Eight Crazy Nights”

I never knew anything about Hanukkah beyond the fact that there was a menorah involved as a kid. In 2002, my knowledge of Hanukkah increased drastically when I first saw Adam Sandler’s “Eight Crazy Nights.” I can’t lie, every single time I’ve watched Sandler’s Hanukkah inspired animated feature I have genuinely enjoyed it. But that’s not to say it is by any means a good movie. The film tells the story of Davey Stone, Sandler, as he serves community service time refereeing youth basketball games during a cold winter in the fictional town of Dukesberry. Along the way, things get really crazy, and the story somehow winds up ending with a somewhat positive message about the miracles of Hanukkah. The movie is riddled with cheap laughs and terrible fart jokes, but I guess that’s the appeal of an Adam Sandler movie.

Unnecessary Covers of “Last Christmas”

In 1984, George Michael wrote a song called “Last Christmas.” He and Andrew Ridgeley, his music partner in the pop music group Wham, then recorded the song and released it as a single. Little did they know they would change Christmas music as we knew it. The song, which I’m sure you’ve all heard, is pretty great for about 45 seconds, but it quickly becomes repetitive and boring as you hear the chorus over and over for the remaining three minutes and 42 seconds. It has been 25 years since the duo released their song and for some strange reason people won’t stop covering it. Every time an artist tries to put his or her own spin on it, the song just gets worse. In 2006, teen pop sensation Ashley Tisdale took a crack at the song with terrible results. That same year, cell phone ring tone phenomenon Crazy Frog recorded his own version. The list goes on with everyone from Coldplay to Taylor Swift and *NSYNC. Even bands I enjoy like Jimmy Eat World has tried and failed at covering this song. The cast of Fox’s Glee even has a version so expect to be hearing this 1984 classic this holiday season.