Facebook is an almost endless source of amusement in so many ways. Quizzes, applications, photos, and group pages serve as a wonderful distraction from the stresses of everyday life.

By far, my favorite part of Facebook is scrolling through people’s status updates, particularly the bad ones. Through my obsession with Facebook, I have compiled a list of the worst things one can do in a status update and why they are such painful faux pas.

1. Switching from third person to first person in the middle of a sentence.

If you don’t have basic control over the English language, you shouldn’t be polluting cyberspace with your ideas.

2. Status updates about how “freaking schwasted” you just got.

Drunken Facebook is even worse than drunken texting. We are all very glad to hear that you’ll have to deal with a throbbing headache of regret in the morning, but for now you should disconnect the Internet before you hurt yourself.

3. Run-on sentences.

Yes, I’m sure what you’re saying is of utmost importance, but I’m not going to take the time to read it because it is an amorphous blob of indecipherable text. Maybe you should spend less time on Facebook and more time learning how to employ the wonders that are periods and semicolons.

4. Status updates about how much you hate some minor change in the Facebook layout.

When “New Facebook” came out, everyone posted about leaving unless the old format was reinstated. It never happened, because we are all enslaved to the convenience of the Web site. History is against you when you complain about the minor switch from News Feed to Live Feed, so don’t waste your time or ours. You are not an internet revolutionist—go back to your business as usual.

5. Status updates that tag your friends. For example, “John Smith is going to the movies with Bob Johnson.”

You are talking about your friends, not your boss. The last name makes your life sound like a business conference, instead of the string of barbaric parties and late-night pancake trips that it really is. If people don’t already know your friend Bob, they don’t need to know what he’s doing with you.

6. Updating so frequently that it becomes a full-time job.

If these people took the time they waste posting status updates and used it for community service, the world would be a shining utopia of perfect human existence. Stop being a narcissist and do something productive for once.

7. Status updates that habitually communicate how bored or depressed you are.

We get it—you’re alone on a Friday night and don’t have much to do. But your friends really don’t need to hear update after update finding continuously more creative ways to express your depression or boredom. You are an adult now; I am sure you can find some way to entertain yourself. If all else fails, read a book—you could probably use the mental stimulation.

8. When you can’t go three updates without telling us how much you miss your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Romanticism is like any other drug—only good in small doses. All of that “you complete me” and “I couldn’t live without you” smoke-blowing sounds nice on paper, but is actually quite unhealthy. Updates like these make people feel sorry for you and your lack of self-sufficiency. True happiness comes from within, not from a severe reliance on your significant other.

9. Epic battles for superiority in the form of angry statuses.

Fights with your partner belong in the bedroom, and fights with your roommate belong in the living room, so keep them off of my News Feed. Beating your enemies into the ground with scathing status wars proves nothing except how puerile the both of you really are.

10. Donating your status. For example, “Mary Williams: More than 80,000 acres of rainforest are leveled every day. Click here to donate your status to this cause: someapplicationurl.com.”

Of course, we are all very convinced that Mary cares deeply about the rainforest. Why else would she blatantly tell every one of her friends? This status is created so the person can show everyone they care about a cause, not for the benefit of the cause itself. It’s basically false philanthropy. Good deeds are to be performed without the hope of recognition.

If you are guilty of one or several of these crimes, by no means cease to commit them. How else would the rest of us be so wonderfully entertained?