Marge Simpson is baring it all.

This November, the mother of three is making history as the first cartoon character to ever grace the cover of Playboy. The following is an open letter to Mrs. Simpson.

 

Dear Marge,

 

I apologize for writing publicly, as I was unable to locate your address—you’d be surprised how many Springfields there are in this country. Anyways, I have to say I’m conflicted about your recent decision to pose for Playboy.

On one hand, there is no denying that aside from some pigment issues, your body looks pretty amazing for a woman of your age, not to mention after three kids. It’s obvious why you would want to show it off.

And I have to applaud you on your decision to keep the full-on exhibitionism above the waist, as you are saving yourself from countless carpet-matching-drapes jokes, even if you are kind of asking for it with that signature ‘do.

It is refreshing to see a woman with some intelligence and life experience behind her making this plunge. Obviously, you are not some barely legal, bottle-blonde co-ed with delusions of sexy stardom. You have been representing the blue-haired, maternal minority in the public eye for 20 years, and only now have you chosen to pose nude.

But this drawer-dropping decision can be lofty.

What starts as female empowerment soon has every dribbling regular at Moe’s Tavern oogling your goodies while pounding back Duffs. Imagine Homer’s dismay when he finds Barney Gumble stockpiling copies of the issue for his personal collection.

When I was reading the magazine for the articles, I noticed that you said in your Q&A that Bart and Lisa are never to find out about this.

But Springfield is a small town, and word travels fast. It’s only a matter of time before your center spread is passed around the playground of Springfield Elementary, more popular than the latest Jonas Brothers Tiger Beat cover. A simple “eat my shorts” from Bart isn’t going to keep those loquacious schoolchildren from discussing your lack thereof.

Take it is as a cautionary warning — flaunt it if you got it, but there will be consequences, not the least of which will be some exasperating lectures from that preachy Ned Flanders.

 

Sincerely,

 

A Concerned Reader