As children, we were taught that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Apparently this moral principle is rendered moot when celebrities are involved.

America is addicted to gossip, and we can see this most transparently in our pop culture. Everything from Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy to the latest Jonas Brothers’ hookup is public domain. Weak people spend their time writing small-minded opinions about people that none of us will ever meet, and even weaker people waste their time reading them.

The fact that these people are so distant is the baffling component of celebrity gossip. Sure, I can understand long conversations about your best friend’s deadbeat brother in-law—at least you have some connection to him.

But celebrities have virtually no bearing on our lives. Their actions and blunders are nothing different from regular, everyday occurrences, yet they compose a significant part of our day-to-day lives.

I can only attribute the prominence of celebrity gossip to two things: boredom and the desire for a scapegoat. Important news stories can be difficult to read. Sometimes they use four-syllable words and involve complex relationships between nations whose names are hard to pronounce. Celebrity gossip sells newsprint to lazy, inattentive readers.

Additionally, the collective unrest of a society often builds to the point that it needs to be alleviated. We’ve been at war for more years than I care to remember, the economy is showing little chance of expediently returning to its former grandeur, and Michael Jackson is dead. The world might as well be coming to an end.

So, when an unfortunate hip-hop artist steals the microphone at a mediocre awards show, we are more than ready to draw blood. For two weeks, the entire angst of the nation will be strapped to Kanye West, and he will be thrown into the abyss of condemnation. This may seem cruel, but sacrifice has long been the price of selling out. With West’s tattered career appeasing the gods of our malcontent for the moment, the world can return to normalcy for a short while.

But who really needs this barbarity? Only sad, lonely people driving their empty cars down the highway of life, just looking for a cliff and a chance to swerve.

But we’re college students, people. We’re in the prime of our lives, intelligent enough to enjoy great literature and young enough to walk tall with a confident stride. We don’t need this garbage, and I encourage you to refrain from it.

The human mind only has enough room to think about so many things, and the body only has enough energy to care about so many problems. Rather than forgetting second grade and developing high blood pressure, I simply choose to skip over the “In Entertainment” section. I am entirely capable of entertaining myself, and you are, too.

So, the next time we feel the urge to obsess over the blunders of people we will never meet, who are paid millions of dollars to act as opiates of the masses, let’s think. I’m sure all of us are intelligent enough to comprehend and enjoy more substantial news stories. The entire purpose of our education here is to study the true causes and effects of the world’s problems, so we don’t need a scapegoat either. I expect barbarism from some people, but I expect more from my fellow students.

As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Simple minds speak of people, normal minds speak of events, and superior minds speak of ideas. Which one are you?”

Now, when I hear you say “Kanye” or “Perez Hilton” as I’m walking to class, we’ll both know the answer.