The parking situation at the school has exponentially gone from bad to worse. My freshman year, I could never appreciate the parking, but there was a vast parking lot at the disposal of those living in Dujarie. That parking lot coupled with the BMH parking lot ensured plenty of parking spaces for residents in the those buildings.

Then it happened. The Dujarie parking lot was destroyed for a residence hall we all know and love that would just cause a slew of problems for those in need of on-campus housing. The BMH parking lot became a hunting ground; students were out for blood, all for parking spaces.

Now, in the year of 2018, only four parking lots are allotted to students on campus, and the rest are fought for among commuters. The campus parking passes for those lots: $240 bucks a pop. For the rest of the campus parking lots assigned to commuters: $310.

We’re halfway through the first semester and the Campus Safety has come up with a “safer, faster and more efficient way of enforcing parking regulations.” The Barnacle.

The Barnacle is stuck to the windshield of the offending car with the use of two industrial size suction cups, it has an alarm system, it’s tamper resistant and is GPS enabled. Truly, a god among campus safety enforcement.

But let’s be honest, guys. We can do better than the Barnacle. Here’s a couple better options that can help our school safely and effectively take our lunch money.

Option one: superglue a nearby student onto the illegally parked car. If the driver tries driving the car away, the fearful screams of their classmate will either force them to stop or get the attention of a nearby UPD officer. Hopefully.

Option two: Prop up a cardboard box with a stick in front of the illegally parked car’s driver side door. Tie a thin, undetectable string to the stick. Below the box, place a whopping wad of cash on the ground. A UPD officer can stand by, hidden in a gilly suit and waiting for the driver to return. Once the driver bends down to take the cash, spring the trap! Tug on the string and trap the driver, if they want to go back home they have to pay a substantial fee. But not with the wad of cash trapped with them, that would be counterproductive.

Option three: actual barnacles. If this administration was serious about campus safety, it would send UPD to the coast. UPD would then search for an authentic, preserved pirate ship, and shuck the barnacles off the ship. From there, UPD brings the barnacles back to Austin, protecting them until an unsuspecting lawbreaker parks in the wrong spot. Then superglue the barnacles onto the car, only removing them once the driver pays up.

Last but not least, option four. Don’t make people pay for parking at all. We pay tens of thousands of dollars to attend this university, majority of us will be in debt after we graduate. We pay enough at the school, why should we pay over $200 for parking when we’re not even guaranteed a spot? Why should we pay that much just to get a big yellow monster on our car if we have nowhere else to park?

Personally, I prefer option one.