I would like to thank everyone whose story I have ever headlined for allowing me to turn your journalism into borderline tacky quips and alliterations. I am sorry for that one front page headline that misspelled “menace.” I would like to thank the unfortunate souls who have offices on the first floor of Andre Hall. I am sorry for playing that new Rihanna song twelve times in a row and for watching Lizzie McGuire too loud on lunch breaks. I would also like to thank everyone on staff for looking for the My Little Pony figurine I thought I lost that time. It was in my pocket all along! Imagine that! 

Goodbye inexplicably heavy Andre Hall doors. Goodbye half-eaten bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Goodbye sriracha bottle of dubious origin. Goodbye white brick walls. Goodbye year-round frosty windows. Goodbye trusty printer. Goodbye only consistently functioning stapler on campus. Goodbye ugliest Expo marker colors ever. Goodbye haunting images of Ted Cruz. Goodbye alliterative headlines. Goodbye terribly vague sports headlines. Goodbye sports. Goodbye pastel restrooms. Goodbye asbestos. Goodbye all.