Disclaimer: The following was not a real interaction. The people in these columns are fictitious and not made to represent any real person. Any similarity to a real person — living or not — is unintentional.

Dear Silvy,

This last week, I was fired from my job. I have no idea why! I took a two week vacation and when I came home, there were several voicemails from my boss asking where I am, why I’m not coming to work and then finally, not to come back!

I am beginning to think that there is a slight possibility that I didn’t tell anybody I was taking a vacation. Anyway, I have no job and I need help. What should I do?

Signed,

Unemployed Vacationer.

Dear Mr. Vacation (or Ms., you didn’t really specify which),

This sounds like a serious problem and I am glad you asked me for help. You are now unemployed, which means you are now officially part of the 99%.

In your situation, you have three options. The first is to go to your old boss and explain what happened and hope you can get your job back. That is of course the boring way to do things, and honestly the stupidest way.

The other two options are better for your career, and will get you a lot more money.

Your second option might get a little technical, so try to follow along. As any lawyer will tell you, the first amendment of the Declaration of Independence states that you have something called “freedom of speech.” This means that you can say whatever you want to anybody at any time. In your case, you were free to say absolutely nothing. You said nothing about your vacation, and the first amendment says that nobody can punish you for your choice in what you said. So, I strongly suggest you sue your former employer for illegally firing you. I predict you could walk away with anywhere between 500 million and two billion dollars.

Now, if you don’t want to deal with all those complex lawyer fees, and legal mumbo jumbo, then your third option is to try and find a new job. Now, finding a job can be stressful, but I’m here to tell you how you can get any job with just a few easy steps.

First, find a place you would like to work. Then, walk in and just start working. Tell people you are the “new guy” and everybody will just assume you work there, and start paying you. This worked for me, and it will work for you.

Well, I hope all of this great advice helps. It can be rough out there, but with these legal tips, and job searching strategies you will be richer than Burnie Madoff in no time!

With love and regards,

Your friendly neighborhood Silvy