The war on drugs has just been expanded to the grocery store. A recent study has shown that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. Yes; apparently, you can now get strung out on the creme filled chocolate sandwich cookie.

This is not the first time scientific researchers have branded one of Americans consumers’ favorite items with the drug label. Caffeine has been scientifically proven to be one of the most addictive substances on this planet. Yet, we sell it nationwide as the cure for early mornings and late nights.

It is clear that America is selective about drugs that it bans. Sure, caffeine should be banned, but does the government really want to deal with millions of coffee-deprived people? And if uncaffeinated people are scary, the government is nowhere near prepared to face the Oreo-less sugar fiends. They bite.

But seriously. If coffee is still being sold without consequence then Oreos should not be in any danger. Whole Foods patrons will still have a snack they can hide in the back of their pantry. Vegans still have a questionable but delicious sweet treat. Stress eaters can still cry and dunk “Milks Favorite Cookie” to their heart’s content.

I just hope that word of this Oreo study does not get to Michelle Obama. She is already public enemy number one to food junkies. If there is scientific proof that a snack could be a drug to back up her war against junk food, then late night cookie dunking will be a habit of the past.

Science has been wrong before. It turns out the earth is not flat nor is it the center of the universe. This news that Oreos are a “drug” could simply be a huge extrapolation, and the internet is buzzing with nothing more than a science-based rumor.

The experiment that led to this claim can’t even really be called science. So what if a bunch of rats in a lab found that they liked Oreos and cocaine more than rice cakes? The cookie aisle should not be punished because rats hate rice cakes as much as the next guy.

Personally, a world without Oreos is not a world I want to live in. Without Oreos, there will never be the great debate between splitters and those weird people who don’t split their Oreos. Without Oreos, there will never be the other great debate of whether to go double stuffed or whatever the other option is. Without Oreos, there will never be any happiness in the world.

Even if it turns out that my fifty Oreo cookies a week habit is, in fact, an addiction, at least I am happy; right? If love is Ke$ha’s drug, then let Oreos be mine.