We would like to inform our readers that the following article is strictly satirical. It should not be taken seriously.

Seeing as the government shutdown has ended, poll collection on what kind of wild animal Americans would most like to see Congress mauled by has ceased. For the preponderance of the shutdown, “ferocious bear” held majority favor, but sides quickly developed between Republicans and Democrats when asked how best the mangling should occur.

“Teach the bears to use a gun!” Republicans said, followed by “Just let ‘em do what they do—but make sure they’re opposite genders.”

The debate got even more heated between Democrats when they had to resolve whether or not a general health care plan should be afforded in case of bear injury.

“If imported bears could do the same job for less money, are they taking jobs away from American Black Bears?,” worried Republicans asked.

The Independents claimed ridiculousness to both parties, but later chose sides.

“It’s for the good of America and stuff,” one independent said.

While the Independents were splitting themselves between parties, the Libertarians were censuring the idea of bears altogether.

Libertarians thought the mauling process needed a bit more anarchy. They proposed putting Congress in a room with former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. According to these Libertarians, he could have the US citizenship of the first terminated congressman.  

Some of the other minority parties who opposed using bears in totality were the Green Party, Tea Party and Occupy Movement members. However, it should be taken into consideration that Congress is still working on a Three-Fifths Compromise system of voting for these parties’ members.

The Green Party, upon hearing of this poll, contacted its sister organization, PETA. They immediately began the “Occupy the Capitol Movement” in order to halt animal transport into the building. Upon hearing the title of this movement, the Occupy Movement had this to say: “we picketed before it was cool.”

The Tea Party looked immediately to Sarah Palin. The ice caps melting around her house forced her to take a  boat from her property for the interview. However, she reassuring the public that global warming is not of human causation.

Palin was seen Googling “define CO2 emission” during a press break. She offered little to say on the poll.

The Occupy Movement members refused to open their tents to poll recorders and only came out when they smelled the Luis Vuitton shoes of a passing lawyer.

After sixteen days of the government shutdown that drove the nation to such indecision on animals Americans trust to eviscerate congressmen, one patriotic poll member entered with a new thought.

After an anonymous poll member, profiled as a fifty to fifty-five year old African American male wearing an American Flag trench coat and a pair of Top Gun-style aviators spoke up announcing, “This is America. What can bring justice more equally and more viciously appropriate than our country’s animal— the American Bald Eagle? “