Last month Russia implemented a lovely new piece of legislation which makes it illegal, punishable by fines and even jail time, to disseminate any “homosexual propaganda” in the presence of minors. 

Allegedly, this law was necessary because the homosexuals are a direct threat to Russian society. They are tearing down the very fabric of Russian social order with their pride parades and expectations of constitutionally-guaranteed rights. It was just getting completely out of hand.

However, the law is really vague about what exactly constitutes “homosexual propaganda.” All we know is that it is illegal.

So it looks like the best bet for Russia’s LGBTQ community is to go sit in a corner and not do anything that could be misconstrued or interpreted as homosexual. 

Just pretend to be straight people. Actually, just be straight, that would solve everything!

This new law does not just protect Russia from the homosexuals, it also protects the homosexuals from themselves. The reasoning is that homosexuals incite social and religious hatred just for being who they are. To keep them safe the government forbade them from doing things that might incur the public’s wrath.

It is not like they outlawed homosexuality. You can still be homosexual in Russia, you just can’t do homosexual things in public, on television or on the Internet. 

The law also equates homosexuality with pedophilia. This is a really accurate and well-informed comparison because one involves loving a member of the same-sex while the other involves coercing children into a sexual act. Sure, yeah, right, it’s totally the same.

Of course this law has sparked global outrage at the flagrant violation of human rights. It has left many asking what America is going to do about this. After all, as the self appointed world police, it is America’s job to control the world’s nations when they step out of line.

America is a veritable paradise of equal rights and respect for those who differ from us. You can only get fired for being LGTBQ in 29 states, it’s only a little more than half the states. Protecting the LGBTQ community is something that America has excelled at, so now it’s time to go save Russia’s LGBTQ.

One good idea that has been thrown around is that President Barack Obama should impose a sanction on Russia for violating its citizens’ rights. There are two problems with that, though. 

One, Obama pretty much has his hands full right now with Congress throwing a temper tantrum. 

Two, the United Nations already tried that. Russia paid the fines and then just kept on doing what it was doing before like nothing happened. Now Russia may not have listened to the UN, but they will listen to Obama because of Russia’s deep, abiding respect for America.

Okay, so next option—boycott the 2014 Winter Olympics, which will be hosted in Sochi, Russia. 

We did this once before in 1980. Russia had invaded Afghanistan. We did not approve, so President Jimmy Carter decided that we would boycott the Summer Olympics in Moscow. This was a very effective protest, not only did dreams of hundreds of American athletes wither away and die, but Russia only stayed in Afghanistan for 9 years. Mission accomplished.

If we go even further back in the history of the Olympics we find another option that could work. 

In 1936 during the Third Reich’s assent to power, the Olympics was hosted in Berlin. 

Leading up to the games, tensions were very high due to the human rights concerns surrounding the Third Reich’s activities. So what did we do?

We went to the games and Jesse Owens, an African-American athlete, beat the Germans on their home turf. This was a man who was the antithesis of Hitler’s master race and he beat them. 

Whether America competes in the Olympics or imposes a sanction on Russia, it is not going to change this new law. Russia is still going to do what Russia wants to do. 

We cannot just go into other countries and change all the things that we don’t like. Well theoretically we can, but that tends to get messy and invading Russia has never worked well for anybody.

There is no reason to ask our Olympic athletes to cast aside their dreams for a boycott. The best thing to do is go to the games as a united front for LGBTQ rights which are actually just basic human rights. 

Support the LGBTQ athletes, American or not, because what will really make a statement is these dreaded homosexuals beating Russia on its home court.