Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh Browns quarterback Colt McCoy is a late scratch and heads home immediately after learning to his horror that grandma got run-over by a reindeer. Tampa Bay at Jacksonville: Jacksonville The Jaguars observe a moment of silence for departed teammate Josh Scobee, who was not only trampled to death on Black Friday, but also had the flesh ripped off his bones by a pack of conservative housewives. Houston at Cincinnati: Cincinnati Bengals pranksters Cedric Benson and Brandon Tate celebrate their critical home win by dousing Head Coach Marvin Lewis with a cooler of figgy pudding. New England at Washington: New England Redskins’ team doctors will apprehensively kneel before a prone and critically injured Santana Moss and form a consensus that ‘this man needs a cup of good cheer, post-haste!’ Atlanta at Carolina: Carolina Its “Now, Dasher! Now, Danzig! Now, Prancer and Nixon! On, Comma! On, Cupid! Madonna and Blitzkrieg!” swears Falcons tight-end Tony Gonzalez to idiot ball boy. New Orleans at Tennessee: New Orleans All the people of Nashville want for Christmas is their teeth and their dignity back–in that order. Philadelphia at Miami: Miami Dolphins coach Tony Sparano whips up his annual steriod and amphetamine nogg–to his team’s delight. Indianapolis at Baltimore: Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis punctuates a blood curdling hit on Colts receiver Reggie Wayne with “Have a Holly, Jolly, Christmas, mother—expletive).” Minnesota at Detroit: Detroit Gunshots ring, are you listening? Life is pain, snow is glistening. A typical sight, in Detroit tonight; Sufferin’ in a joyless no-man’s land. Kansas City at New York Jets: New York Peering from his Uptown Manhattan hotel window, Chiefs coach Todd Haley bears witness to jingle bells, Batman eating from a dumpster, Robin laying an egg, and the Batmobile sans wheel. Chicago at Denver: Denver As a protest against the over-commercialization of Christmas, Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow takes the field with a flaming megaphone to remind everyone that “hell hath no fury like a Jesus