The Football Prophecies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophecies.

NFL Week 10:

Oakland at San Diego (Thursday Night): San Diego

Having two jobs in 2011 is more a blessing than a curse. But Chargers WR Malcolm Floyd was aghast upon learning Thursday night’s Oakland game would conflict with his full-time job as graveyard quality control inspector at the Iams dog food plant.

Arizona at Philadelphia: Philadelphia

Feeling insecure in the trenches, the Eagles sign the Liberty Bell for the league minimum to help stuff the run.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis: Indianapolis

No one will be watching outside of Indianapolis and Jacksonville. Of course, locals will only watch because Indianapolis and Jacksonville aren’t real societies.  

Denver at Kansas City: Denver

Yearning to outdo Moses, Tim Tebow spends every spare moment on Denver’s sidelines standing on bench, laboring to part sea of red with hands.   

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Cincinnati

Bengals wide-receiver A.J. Green sets a dangerous precedent for end-zone celebrations by diving headlong into a pre-arranged shark tank of Skyline Chili.

Buffalo at Dallas: Dallas

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has always been infamously ‘hands on,’ not ‘foot up.’ But Tony Romo’s backside is a 4th Quarter meltdown away from a date with a size 10 wingtip.

New Orleans at Atlanta: Atlanta

Drew Brees remembers he left his cup back in New Orleans 30-minutes before kickoff. Saints equipment manager Clark Beatty thinks fast and fashions him one out of twigs and spit.

St. Louis at Cleveland: Cleveland

Colt McCoy and the rest of the Browns are airlifted out of a burning Cleveland Browns Stadium after a higher power decides to cut its losses and end the city of Cleveland.

Washington at Miami: Miami

Skins’ cornerback DeAngelo Hall is detained by the feds all weekend after deplaning Washington’s team charter and bellowing ‘Where my drugs at?!’  

Houston at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay

Anything to get out of Houston, right, fellas?

Tennessee at Carolina: Carolina

Footing will be tough this Sunday, what with all the hayforks, shotgun shells, and napping bloodhounds littering the Carolina grounds.

Baltimore at Seattle: Baltimore

Ravens Outside Linebacker Terrell Suggs—a.k.a. ‘T-Sizzle’—nets a first quarter sack on Seahawks QB Tavaris Jackson; drags the body off into a darkened corner, commences chewing the grown man’s leg like a drumstick.

Detroit at Chicago: Chicago

Not everyone in the Soldier Field crowd survives to see their Bears win on Sunday, as concession-related fatalities claim 209 patrons; including Mort Chadwick, 43, of Kankakee, IL, who’ll gorge himself into a bratwurst-induced coma and leave this world by halftime.  

New York Giants at San Francisco: San Francisco

Household cut-up Joey Gladstone—half-naked, basted in red and gold body paint—wriggles away from mortified parties Danny Tanner and Uncle Jesse to storm the field and get indecent with Eli Manning’s leg.

New England at New York Jets: New England

Supremely mindful of their deification as pretty-boy quarterbacks, Tom Brady and Mark Sanchez cut the sleeves off their uniforms, spend whatever spare moments coating their arms in cocoa butter, and pretend to ‘drop’ their playbook at regular intervals—coyly tittering ‘I’m such a butterfingers.’

Minnesota at Green Bay (Monday Night): Green Bay

A petrified national audience is caught off-guard when a commercial break returns to find ESPN’s play-by-play man Mike Tirico frozen solid inside a tomb of ice.