The Football Prophecies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophecies.

New York Jets at Denver: Denver

Tim Tebow celebrates an early Broncos touchdown by anointing teammates in oil, speaking in tongues and doing bicep curls with a 45 pound crucifix.

Carolina at Detroit: Detroit

The Guinness Book of World Records will corroborate Sunday’s Ford Field crowd as “The Largest Assemblage of Crackheads to Attend a Professional Sporting Event.”

Tampa Bay at Green Bay: Green Bay

The Buccaneers’ shuttle to Lambeau Field Sunday morning will be jackknifed by a humongous wheel of sharp cheddar at the intersection of Lombardi and Oneida.

Buffalo at Miami: Buffalo

Attendance problems at Dolphin home games prompted a recent Miami-Herald poll, asking: “What are you doing on a typical NFL Sunday, Miami?” 24.9 percent replied “At the beach.”  17.1 percent responded “Cruisin’ down the street in my six-four.” 36.4 percent: “Narcotics, etc.” And 21.6 percent weighed in with “Cuban-stuff.”

Dallas at Washington: Dallas

Whether it was little Rachel Torain chop-blocking Anita Ware, 7, or a fuming Bridget Romo biting and piercing the skin of referee Ed Hochuli, most will concede that The NFL’s first annual “Take Your Daughter to Work Day” was an unmitigated disaster.

Jacksonville at Cleveland: Cleveland

Taking turns eyeing the crowd through a pair of binoculars, CBS commentators Ian Eagle and Dan Fouts will realize to their horror that the hottest woman on hand is not a woman at all, but Cleveland’s own Drew Carey.

Cincinnati at Baltimore: Cincinnati

Baltimore’s ignoble status as the STD capital of the United States causes further embarrassment when the Cincinnati Bengals take the field inside a giant bubble of latex.

Oakland at Minnesota: Oakland

Ahoy, ye land lubber! The purple bilge rats drive one smartly to the grog, they do, says I. Prepare to be boarded, me thinks: Raise high the Jolly Roger for the Silver and Black. Fair winds for Queen Anne’s Revenge to the next port of call, it be! Aye!

Seattle at St. Louis:

Seahawks coach Pete Carroll discovers that Starbucks’ Caffé Verona Blend makes for a seamless steroidal masking agent. Seattle wins 206-10 but no one can get to sleep on the Red Eye home.

Tennessee at Atlanta: Atlanta

Resident hayseed Hiram Carter III, 44, files a complaint with the ACLU after Georgia Dome staff bars him from entering with his prize hog, Zeke, “The Pride of Macon.”

San Diego at Chicago: San Diego

Proving that greed has no ceiling, the already booming concession apparatus at Solider Field prompts Bears management to institute a “minimum 300lb” requirement to enter the stadium.

Philadelphia at New York Giants: Philadelphia

Philadelphians and New Yorkers are the nastiest fan bases in American sports, bar-none. Converging the two is akin to raining napalm gobs on an oil refinery. A source inside the mayor’s office reports that Michael Bloomberg is mute with resignation over the inevitability of what staffers are already terming “the second Attica.”

Kansas City at New England: New England

Veteran Patriot wide-out Deion Branch is carted off the field after a Tom Brady dart explodes right through his chest. Branch negotiates an exchange of autographed Patriots memorabilia with the fan that caught his still-beating heart.