The Football Prophesies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophesies.

Week 8 Football Prophesies:

New Orleans at St. Louis:

Here’s an eerie coincidence: Saints QB Drew Brees completed 31 of 35 passes last week against Indianapolis. That same night, 31 of 35 pedestrians were successfully sucker-punched in East St. Louis.

Minnesota at Carolina: Carolina

It’ll be an emotional day in Charlotte as the Panthers honor the Chapel Hill Straight Men’s Choir at halftime.

Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee

With previous forms of punishment having failed to rouse the 0-7 Colts, head coach Jim Caldwell lowers himself to spankings, corners, and rubbing player’s noses into the sights of their fumbles.

Arizona at Baltimore:

Some sicko’s been dialing Cardinals QB Kevin Kolb all week at 3 a.m. sharp to breathily wish him ‘sweet dreams.’  In other news, Ray Lewis is an insomniac with unlimited nighttime minutes.

Miami at New York Giants:

Lame-duck Dolphin’s coach Tony Sparano goes entirety of game holding sad little box with office possessions, telling cab driver to ‘keep it running.’

Jacksonville at Houston: Houston

Two of America’s most unlivable cities: J-Ville for its lopsided swamp to hospital ratio, and Houston for its Houston.

Detroit at Denver: Denver

For God so loved the Broncos, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal wings and buffalo sauce on game day. — Kevin 7:11

Washington at Buffalo: Buffalo

All this jib-jab about wings is making me peckish. I like Buffalo on Sunday; then more after the bars let out; and then again for breakfast Monday morning, afterwards: we brunch!

Cincinnati at Seattle: Cincinnati

The Queen City cats visit the King County…king-a-ma-jigs. Because its Seattle, Bengals personnel places 14 players on suicide watch, cuts up their pregame meal for them.

New England at Pittsburgh

This battle of AFC titans will captivate as Bill Belichick’s hoodie takes on Mike Tomlin’s hat.

Cleveland at San Francisco:

“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco,” has long been attributed to Mark Twain. The famous author remarked of Cleveland, obscurely: “Egad man! What passes for a city these days! Driver, hasten us southbound toward Louisville and don’t spare the