The Football Prophesies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophesies.

Football Prophesies Week 9:

New York Jets at Buffalo: Buffalo

Mysteriously M.I.A. from pregame warm-ups, Jets coach Rex Ryan will be discovered by hotel staffers chest-deep in a Jacuzzi tub brimming with eviscerated chicken wings.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: New Orleans

Drew Brees’ Porsche Carrera GT gets swallowed by a sinkhole of stomach acid on Bourbon Street en route to The Superdome; needs a tow, gets it. 

Atlanta at Indianapolis: Atlanta

Indianapolis or no: it’s still a grueling league and there are no days at the beach. But tell that to Atlanta’s equipment managers, who’re busy packing the team charter with volleyballs, sunblock, and chicken salad.

San Francisco at Washington: San Francisco

Here’s your ‘Racially Insensitive Game of the Week’: a band of gold-delirious and land-hungry ‘chosen people’ with sophisticated weaponry working to subjugate and dispatch the Native American populace. Sometimes football makes you think.

Cleveland at Houston: Houston

Houston: you’ll never be Austin. For that matter, you’ll never measure up to Baghdad either.

Seattle at Dallas: Dallas

Perceiving an opportunity to lighten the mood on game day, the Cowboy brass treats the team with the league’s first ‘casual Sunday.’

Miami at Kansas City: Kansas City

Wait a minute. You’re telling me that the fathers of Western Missouri and South Florida will go all ‘Cats in the Cradle’ on Sunday for this?

Denver at Oakland: Oakland

“You shall not paw at your neighbor’s flat screen. You shall not covet your neighbor’s pimento cheese spread, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or”—wait, what? It just got weird–antebellum South weird.

Cincinnati at Tennessee: Cincinnati

These two will leave all their teeth on the turf when it’s all said and done. The locals in the crowd, however, have no such explanation to fall back on.

New York Giants at New England: New England

Mix hordes of New Yorkers and Bostonians together, pump an afternoon’s worth of beer and bloodlust into them, and then download the ‘body count’ app from ITunes.

St. Louis at Arizona: St. Louis

Arizona is forced to forfeit the contest with 12:59 left in the second quarter after a cactus thrown from the stands impales Rams defensive tackle Justin Bannan.

Green Bay at San Diego:

After the game, the Chargers enter Phase 1 of a protracted and painstaking rebranding campaign after three separate bolts of lighting converge on quarterback Philip Rivers after an abortive quarterback draw.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: Baltimore

Pittsburghers have preemptively decided to harness their blue-collars and file a grievance with the union should the Steelers lose.

Chicago at Philadelphia: Philadelphia

The dweebs at Forbes just declared Philadelphia the nation’s ‘most toxic’ city. To capitalize, the Eagles defensive line abandons the pass rush to whip balloons of hazardous waste at Jay Cutler’s head.