The Football Prophesies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophesies.

 

NFL Week 7:

 

San Diego at New York Jets: New York

The Chargers do not play well in mittens.

 

Chicago at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay

Jay Cutler is sick and tired of getting his face caved in every week. I’m just sick and tired of Jay Cutler’s face.

 

Seattle at Cleveland: Cleveland

‘My, My, Hey, Hey’: the birthplace of grunge and the home of the Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame ‘Come Together.’ ‘Evenflow’ Seattle’s refreshed off a bye week, ‘Let it Be’ known that Cleveland will put the ‘Clampdown’ on the 2-3 Seahawks, ensuring that ‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall.’ Moreover, Peyton Hillis was ‘Born to Run’ like a band of ‘Wild Horses.’

 

Atlanta at Detroit: Detroit

The 5-1 Lions showed vulnerability in last week’s home loss to the 49ers. Strange, when I show vulnerability I usually get something positive out of it.

 

Denver at Miami: Denver

Hark the herald angels sing! He is risen. Praise be to Timmy and his holier-than-though football acumen.

 

Houston at Tennessee: Tennessee

For me, this matchup will always be ‘team created out of thin air’ versus the ‘Houston Oilers.’ That Warren Moon can really spin it; and don’t sleep on my man Haywood Jeffires.

 

Washington at Carolina: Carolina

The visiting Redskins will be daunted by all the bib overalls and hayforks in the crowd. The Panthers win by virtue of the home “Deliverance” advantage.

 

Pittsburgh at Arizona: Pittsburgh

I don’t care what happens here; just don’t let Ben Roethlisberger enter a public restroom unsupervised.

 

Kansas City at Oakland: Oakland

No Owner, no Jason Campbell, no problem, screams freak with spiked shoulder pads, silver and black war paint, and doo-rag.

 

Green Bay at Minnesota: Green Bay

Vikings: -14 Trillion; Packers: China.

 

St. Louis at Dallas: Dallas

Romo does best to blow it, wins by accident.

 

Indianapolis at New Orleans: New Orleans

Peyton Manning dons fake beard, derby hat, and sunglasses on sidelines, pretends not to know teammates behind newspaper.

 

Baltimore at Jacksonville: Baltimore

Monday Night Football in the NFL’s backwater: another bulls eye, you short-sided corporate vampires.