The Football Prophesies predict the outcomes of the week’s NFL games. Each week we’ll announce our expectations along with selective commentary in the Football Prophesies.

 

NFL Week 5:

 

New Orleans at Carolina

Cam and Carolina win one for the Gipper. Retired metallurgist Ray Gipper, 73, of Greensboro, N.C.

Oakland at Houston

The black hole buccaneers raid the hellhole: Houston. Home team by 10 pitchforks.Arizona at Minnesota

It’s another good day to die at Valhalla: Cardinals get medieval.

Kansas City at Indianapolis

The Little Sisters of the Poor Bowl: Colts win, I guess.

Seattle at New York Giants

I wouldn’t pick the dismal Seahawks in this one for all the tall, whole milk, no foam, extra hot, sugarfree hazelnut lattes in Pike Market.

Philadelphia at Buffalo

The ‘Dream Team’ are in a nasty tailspin (1-3) that threatens to engulf The City of Brotherly Love in a cataclysm of arson and projectiles. They will win–but only because of mankind’s instinct for self-preservation.

Cincinnati at Jacksonville

Break out the Fancy Feast! This ostensibly bland matchup figures to get downright catty. Jungle catty. The Bengals will need all paws on deck to scratch out a second-straight road win: which they will, by a whisker.

Tennessee at Pittsburgh

It’s been fun basking in Pittsburgh’s mediocrity so far this season. The visiting Titans will win by as many touchdowns as Ben Roethlisberger chins–two.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco

If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. Once done, suit up and make Russ look prescient: Buccaneers for the win.

New York Jets at New England

For all their swagger and braggadocio, the Jets ring more pathetic week-by-week. The Patriots, on the other hand, say nothing and dispatch suckers with the steely reserve of Batman.

San Diego at Denver

Chargers outdo the lowly Broncos. Tebow seen on sideline with crossword puzzle and ‘I’d Rather Be Praising Him’ shirt. Green Bay at Atlanta

The Packers are stone-cold mercenaries.

Chicago at Detroit

I don’t know what odds they’re giving in Vegas, but my old man has a gambling problem and he just bet Kibbles, the family dog, on the Bears. I’ll take the undefeated Lions, thank you. Miss ya, Kibbs!