NFL Week 4:

Detroit at Dallas: Detroit

I have a premonition that Tony Romo will huck 9 interceptions, cough up 4 fumbles, and get caught after the game wearing makeup and ballet flats.

Pittsburgh at Houston: Houston

Look for the Steelers to score a point for every Roethlisberger chin—two. 

SF at Philadelphia: Philadelphia

Michael Vick can’t catch a break. It’s almost like the universe is punishing him for something.

Minnesota at Kansas City: Minnesota

Pointless game. Stop it! You’ll just sap valuable electricity.

Washington at St. Louis: St. Louis

Yours truly will be in STL that day: technically, everybody wins.

Buffalo at Cincinnati: Buffalo

The Bills are so cute when they’re 3-0 I could just die!

Tennessee at Cleveland: Cleveland

Take heed: the Browns will exploit Tennessee’s Arrested Development. 

New Orleans at Jacksonville: New Orleans

If you believe that life is senseless, random, and chaotic: I point to Jacksonville having an NFL team as Exhibit 1A in your discursive canon.

Carolina at Chicago: Carolina

I’m from Colorado, see, and there are three things we despise: Texans on the slopes, trans fats, and Jay Cutler.

Atlanta at Seattle:Atlanta

Someone’s getting the bird one way or another.

New York Giants at Arizona: New York

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fumble.

Denver at Green Bay: Green Bay

I have a feeling about 18 Broncos will be decapitated by game’s end.

New England at Oakland

I was going to pick Oakland, but then Tom Brady seduced me with a giant teddy bear and that winsome smile, so, New England.

Miami at San Diego: San Diego

Nothing could save the hapless Dolphins, not even Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

New York Jets at Baltimore: Baltimore

Quoth the Raven: 11-4.

Indianapolis at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay

I have a feeling about 53 Colts will be decapitated by game’s end.